Loving someone too much is not a bad thing but when this over-loving becomes a problem for you and your mental health then it becomes a sign of love addiction.
The feeling of love stimulates the release of dopamine among other chemicals in your brain, this chemical pathway activity is similar as the effects of substance use. So, in other words, the feeling of love has the same effect in a human as substance uses like drugs and alcohol.
What Is Love Addiction?
When you have an intense feeling of love and to be loved, you would not even know whether this need to be loved is actually harming you.
As per Psychology Today, “a love addiction can be defined as maladaptive, pervasive, feel a lack of control, lose interest in other things they normally enjoy, and experience a variety of negative consequences.”
When it comes to love addiction, it is a compulsion and a fixation towards a potential love interest. But it can have a harmful impact on yourself and your behavior.
“Love addicts can please people, putting the needs of others before their own. It can result in divorce, affairs, poor job performance, relationship conflict, poor concentration of everyday tasks, enmeshment, clinginess, and emotional distress including anxiety and depression.”
“Emotional highs such as intense passion, and emotional lows, like intense disappointment or heartbreak can eventually strain the relationship, resulting in resentment. Consequently, love addiction may have intense elements of a lack of control present in other addictions, such as sex addiction or a chemical addiction.”
The Cycle of Love Addiction
What Are the Signs of Love Addiction?
When it comes to love addiction there are a lot of obvious signs that we tend to ignore because we don’t know much about them. People who struggle with love addiction tend to idolize their partners and prefer to stay in the honeymoon stage of the relationship. They become obsessed, overly dependent and clingy on their partner.
A love addict can show a lot of tell-tell signs that they are addicted to partner or the thought of a love connection. But if you are still not aware of the signs of love addictions then this article is going to help you a lot.
1. Feeling Desperate When a Partner Needs a Little Space
Have you ever been in a situation where your partner is creating even the slightest distance, and you find yourself freaking out? You start feeling anxious and start having panic attacks, well this is a clear indication that you are addicted to love.
As per Joyce Houser, psychotherapist, she wrote in her book ‘Someone To Talk To,’ “You should talk to your partner about these intense feelings. Will power alone is often not enough to overcome a love addiction, and therapy can play an important role in recovery, as can other sources pf support such as Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.”
2. Finding It Hard to Set Boundaries
It might be a popular concept when you are in a relationship to go above and beyond your partner, that sometimes includes crossing the limits or boundaries of a relationship.
But if you are a love addict, the term “boundary” is going to scare you. But it shouldn’t since having boundaries and limitations is a sign of a healthy relationship.
Boundaries can mean anything when you are in a relationship and most of the time setting clear boundaries helps both the partners to express themselves properly. But this may not be the case if you are a love addict.
In the case of love addicts, they have an irrational fear against setting boundaries in a relationship. Since to them, they think talking about boundaries with their partners can cause distance between them or their partner leaving them.
Some experts believe, “if you have a love addiction, you may irrationally fear that your partner will leave if you explain that you don’t want to be called the irritating nickname. Therefore, you suffer in silence when your partner would probably be more than happy to accommodate your request.”
3. Cycling In & Out of a Relationship
If you and your partner are in an on-again and off-again relationship, rather than having a stable relationship, you need to understand what the issue is with your relationship.
According to licensed social worker Sharea Farmer, “someone with a love addiction may be more invested in what they can do for their partner and not who they are with their partner. This person may be in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together because they see their partner as needing them to survive.”
She further explained, “to some people, this may seem like a normal part of relationships, but usually this person is only focused on improving their partner. What this means for the individual struggling with love addiction is that their identity is wrapped up in another person’s flaws or vices.”
4. Idealizing Love & Believing It Can Overcome Anything
If you are in a relation with unrequited love, and you are not able to let go of your partner and believe somehow things will get better and everything will work out eventually.
According to Psychotherapist Judi Cinéas, PhD, “People experiencing love addiction generally subscribing to a belief that their love can overcome anything. They believe in the power of love to a degree that would allow the person to also believe that they can have their desired results with the other person.
“The person also experiences some joy in the process itself, they get a sense of pleasure in the contemplation of what could be. Thinking about the other person is pleasing, although these emotional highs can lead to negative feelings or actions when they are reminded that the other person is not interested in taking that emotional journey with them.”
5. Feigning an Interest in Something Just to Impress Your Partner
It is quite normal to like something or show an interest in something your partner or crush likes. Well, it is one thing to have an open mind about trying out new things that your partner likes are one thing.
But feigning an interest in something that your partner or crush likes just to impress them is a sign that you are a love addict.
As per Clinical psychologist, Carla Marie Manly, “It’s normal and natural to show genuine interest in a partner’s hobbies, work, and life interests. However, if this interest is over-amplified or a sheer pretense to draw in a partner, genuine love is generally not at work. When addictive tendencies lead an individual to pretend to be who they are not – which includes feigning interests – the relationship is not being built ono truth and authenticity.”
6. Abandoning Commitments to Seek a Romantic Relationship
Everyone has important commitments to attend in their life, such as family events or meeting up with friends, but love addicts will give them up pursuing a love connection or a crush. All other commitments are unimportant to them.
According to family therapist Shirin Peykar, “Love addiction is a compulsive and chronic pattern of behavior to soothe uncomfortable feelings and to feel worthiness through the love of another, which is unattainable. The belief that true love will save them is what gets love addicts into constant trouble because they often find themselves in toxic, unhealthy relationships. Only when they acknowledge their dysfunctional patterns of relating can there be healthy love on the horizon.”
7. Quickly Going from One Relationship to The Next
People who are struggling with love addiction don’t feel like themselves until and unless they are in a relationship. These people tend to jump from one relationship to another to have a sense of belonging.
So right after getting out of a relationship, they quickly get into another relationship without having any closure or time for themselves. Everyone goes through a rebound phase, but the timing of this phase is different for different people.
For love addicts, they can’t stand the thought of being alone and not in a relationship, but at the same time they believe the next person is going to be better.
But since they don’t give themselves the necessary breathing to heal from a relationship then the next relationship may not be a healthy one is your thinking is clouded. To have a healthy relationship after you get out from one relationship is to give yourself some time, to overcome the past relationship.
8. Seeking Relationships with Unavailable Partners
Are you seeing yourself in a relationship with someone married or emotionally unavailable? If you have a pattern of choosing this type of partner, then you are a love addict.
It is believed that people who are love addicts subconsciously seek out people who are emotionally unavailable or won’t be in a full romantic relationship, as a way of preventing their feelings and emotions.
These patterns seem quite counterintuitive for love addicts, since they are setting them up for pain themselves, which they don’t see themselves, but subconsciously they have a self-destructive drive in themselves. They are just like alcoholics, even though they know alcohol is bad for them, they can’t help themselves.
9. Mistaking a Great Night of Sex for a Love Match
Having sex and falling in love with each other is two different things entirely. Although if you are a love addict, then you might confuse sex with love.
As per sex and relationship expert, Kryss Shane, “This occurs when the individual cannot differentiate between the physical and biological reactions of sexual intimacy and the bond created for an emotional love match. In some cases, the individual may complain of feeling as if each sexual partner has promised them the world, then ripped it away. One person saw the experience as physical, whereas the other (the love addict) felt it, to be an instant forever bond.”
10. Having Irrational Fears of Being Alone Forever
Most love addicts feel an overwhelming fear of not being loved by anyone and not being in a relationship ever again.
As per therapist, Lynn Zakeri, “A fear of being left, abandoned or being alone forever often hinders my love-addicted clients from rationally evaluating their relationship. Instead of assessing whether a partner makes them happy or is good for them, someone with a love addiction will experience a paralyzing fear of being alone. It’s more like the love addict will fight hard to make their partner love them, rather than fighting hard because they’ll miss the partner. It skews the entire premise of the relationship.”
Types of Love Addiction Dynamics
People who are dealing with love addiction, it has been seen that not all love addicts are the same. There are four major types of love addicts, and they are explained below.
1. Obsessed/Obsessive Love Addicts
The first type of love addict is the obsessive type, where you really struggle to be apart from your partner. Even if the relationship is heading down the unhealthy path, and when your partner becomes emotionally distant in the relationship.
2. Codependent Love Addicts
The next type of love addiction is the codependent type pf love addiction where an addict uses their partner to lift their self-esteem and confidence.
They try to look for their worth and value in a relationship and become exhausted to the point where they become addicted to their partners. “Love addiction has more dependence on a partner in comparison to codependency. Love addicts expect partners to give them purpose, but are unable to receive love from their partner, creating a lose-lose scenario.”
3. Narcissistic Love Addicts
When it comes to narcissistic love addicts, they prefer to be in a power position in the relationship. They love to exploit their partner to crave attention, servitude, and an ego boost among other things.
“A narcissistic love addict can severely mistreat their partner, by ignoring them and acting out selfishness. Despite this, there is an attachment to their partner.”
4. Ambivalent Love Addicts
The last type of love addict is the ambivalent or avoidant type. These are the type of addicts who cling to the past and hang on to their past relationships and engage in one-sided relationships, and even sabotage them.
Causes of Love Addiction
When it comes to the causes of love addiction, there can be a lot of factors playing a crucial role, some of them are mentioned below.
Other trigger points of Love Addiction are:
1. Abandonment Issues
Love addiction can be a result of abandonment issues since childhood such as lack of affection and love from parents. This can step towards craving the love that was missing since childhood and in turn overcompensating in a relationship, to fill that hole.
2. Low Self Esteem
If someone is dealing with low self esteem they tend to cling to their partners to give them that confidence and self-esteem. These people tend to judge themselves harshly on all imperfections, usually ignoring their positive qualities in them. They have a heightened sense of insecurity in a relationship.
3. Social & Cultural Influences
When we talk about social and cultural factors and influences, I primarily mean the values and beliefs that have been instilled in us by the society and the culture we grew up in. By beliefs I mean cultural, sexual, religious and behavioral beliefs and values.
As published in the Philosophy, Psychiatry & Psychology Journal in 2017, “In the Western society, falling in love is regarded as a positive experience, and people often yearn for the feeling of falling in love. However, it might be frowned upon to refer to love addiction as a negative subject in Western society.”
“This overwhelming positive outlook on love and the experience of falling in love may contribute to the manifestation of symptoms associated with love addiction.”
4. Childhood Trauma
Childhood trauma affects a lot while maintaining a relationship, since growing up you have both positive and negative experiences that stay with you forever.
According to Claire Rutkowski, “Adolescents who grow up in positive family relationships are more likely to have healthy romantic relationships in their young adult life.”
She further said, “childhood trauma, albeit emotional, physical, sexual, or verbal abuse/neglect, plays a significant role in the development of unhealthy relationships with others later in life.”
5. A Traumatic Past
The emotional feeling or response that happens after a deeply disturbing and depressing event is called trauma. Such events can be anything from violence, physical or sexual abuse, accidents or even natural disasters.
When during such events the emotional feeling or expression goes unnoticed and unresolved it becomes trauma, that affects future relationships.
According to Robert Johnson in his article, “The Impact of Unsolved Trauma on Relationships,” said, “If trauma remains unresolved, there will be frequent triggers that cause an emotional response. These triggers can arise from unintentional behaviors exhibited by one’s partner that serve as cues or reminders of the initial trauma.”
How to Cope with Love Addiction
If you are dealing with love addiction, then you might be thinking that you have no hope of getting out of it then you are wrong.
There is a cure or solution for every type of addiction you are dealing with. So, if you are interested in knowing how to cope with love addiction then you are at then you are at the right page.
- Most love addicts show similar and recurring habits and signs with their love interests. You should review and analyze them properly to find out a pattern.
- Always remember that you are not alone, but if you feel that, then you should join a support group and connect with people with similar experiences and problems.
- You should evaluate every problematic attachment style and all your intimate relationships.
- You need to expose yourself to situations of healthy relationships so that you develop a realistic sense of receiving, sustaining, and giving love.
- If you think that you are constantly jumping from one relationship to another then you should detach yourself from all types of romantic relationships, even casual relationships.
- Engage in certain hobbies or interests that don’t involve your partner or love interest. An interest that you will enjoy all on your own.
- Try to invest in your self-care and growth by developing a new and unique identity for yourself. Cultivate your qualities and talents furthermore.
- Spend time with your friends and family and confide your emotions in them.
Other Signs You Might be Experiencing Love Addiction (Infographic)
- You spend a lot of time thinking about them and your possible future together.
- You can’t stop the behavior or keep yourself from contacting the person
- Your romantic feelings and pursuit of them cause problems for you at work, school, or at home.
- You want to maintain the relationship even if it becomes toxic or they treat you poorly.
- Your feelings lead you to withdraw from others and cut back on your regular hobbies.
- You have a strong desire or urge to stay connected, even if they don’t feel the same way.
- You break laws or go against your personal values to stay connected or maintain the relationship.
- You seek them out when you feel low, anxious, worried, or need reassurance.
- To reduce any negative emotions, you experience and regain the euphoria of early love; you might break up and get back together or try to advance your commitment by moving in together or getting together or getting engaged.
Can You Have Withdrawals from a Person?
When it comes to love addiction, there is no such diagnosis required; you can understand that you are addicted through the signs and patterns of your daily behavior.
Now if you are thinking of withdrawing from a person you can but there are certain signs of withdrawal that you will go through. If you don’t know about these signs, then all you must do is scroll down below.
Withdrawal from love addiction may include these:
- Feelings of loneliness
- Sleeping very little or much more than usual
- Persistent crying or tearfulness
- Lack of energy and fatigue
- Changes in appetite
- A deep desire, or craving to connect with the person you love
- Intense feelings of grief or loss
- Frustration, worry or tension when you’re apart
- Irritability, anxiety, and other changes in mood.
Wrapping Up!
Thinking that you are addicted to your partner or just the thought of love is not something that you can detect quite easily.
But once you learn how to see the patterns then it will get easier for you to start your process of detaching yourself from that relationship and start a healthy life where you prioritize yourself.
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